Keblinger

Keblinger
.....from this hypocrisy & pretence......
What if this isn't everything it should be????

I'm not even sure how I feel....!! !!

Maybe somewhere, someone loves me so much;
He'd share his life with me and my whole life he'd touch;
Maybe somewhere, someone longs to hear me call;
Or maybe, yes, I realized, maybe there is none at all...

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Who did I select????? The last part

| Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Please note once again :- This is purely FICTIONAL.

Read the first part HERE!


"I ignored the times I yearned for him and just him....
I let go of the memories I had with him....
I made my heart and brain sign an agreement attested with a LOT of guilt and remorse...."
I called Anay to meet me on 14th February and as we came face to face I greeted him with an instant hug.
Somehow I could not stop myself from doing that.
May be my spinal cord reflexes were used to doing that everytime I saw ANAY...

I hugged him but it was just me "hugging" him... He was perhaps not with me in that moment...
I did not wish him a happy valentines' day and neither did he...All because of the distance which had come between both of us...Blame it on Anay,Aditya's interference or call it just "my mistake"...

"Anay, I was hurt so many times by you.You unknowingly hurt me but you have no idea how much it made me cry.It made me despise my own self.I want to confess a lot of things today...." I started....
"I had been hiding them and lying to you just to save our relationship.I was very scared of losing you.That was the only reason I said sorry even though it wasn't a bit of my fault.I always gave up while arguing with you 'cause I gave more importance to our relationship than my ego and "WIN" over the argument.There have been so many instances when I put my self respect aside just because I loved you.I still love you but now I'm strong enough to let you go.I don't want to settle down for someone who was never into me..."

Anay patiently listened to all this and then suddenly he said - "I knew this was coming...This is all because of Aditya,isn't it ..?

I already knew Anay would say this..."Anay, you know what?Aditya doesn't even know about this.I have not talked about this to anyone.Anyone else is not questionable to me regarding this except you...and I am pretty much sure of the fact that Aditya would have persuaded me not to do this..."

"Avina, your main problem is you trust people immediately.Say a few sweet words,that's it. Avina gets flattered and puts blind trust on him...."

"I agree...I spontaneously make friends.I believe in the quote *Strangers are friends waiting to happen*...."

"Life cannot be solved with quotes and quotes don't always prove true in real life.You need to get real and have a glimpse of a world outside quotes..."

"Yes but they sometimes help forget the bitter realities and hope for a better future.They show a silver lining to the clouds....Our relationship cannot work 'cause we both think alike.I think about you all the time and you think about "YOURSELF"...Your priorities were always "YOURS".My priorities were more of "OURS".That is where our distance grew more and more with each passing day.It was I who always gave you a call.I wished you would call me up but you never did without not being asked....I always watched soccer matches with you despite the fact that I never understood a single rule of the game...Did you ever watch any romantic movie with me just because I wanted to?Tell me one such movie you watched because I,the one you claimed to love asked you to watch...Or Lets keep that aside.There're not many other things too which you did for my sake.During all the good times,you said something which ruined my happiness.I never mentioned about it to you but there have been times your words have made me cry.You might have said it casually but you have no clue how deep those words pierced me...."

Anay was expressionless,speechless and motionless for a moment.Perhaps I had hurt the ego guys usually have.The astonishment,or rather SHOCK was clearly visible the way he looked at me.I had perhaps hurt him beyond repair.People get closer together on Valentine's day....I was going to drift apart from my "valentine" FOREVER on that day...

For the first time,I felt Anay made an effort to save our relationship.He pulled me closer to him and said- "Avina,you could have told me all this before....And we can still work on our relationship,sweetheart.We can dream of OUR future yet again forgetting everything, start afresh on 14th February...And I always argued with you 'cause I loved it when you said "Fine jaan,you're right.I did not watch romantic movies with you 'cause they made me recollect a past which I never wanted to look back to.You could call it a phobia or psychological disorder but I did not want the reminiscences of my bitter past ruin our beautiful present,which I thought was PERFECT.It was beyond words,explanations or reasonings according to me.I never thought you were with me despite my shortcomings.I never thought about all this...I insisted on you to watch soccer with me 'cause I liked being with you all the time.You always were my priority and you still are.It is just that I was stuck in certain situations in life when I could not sort out my priorities and I did not realize I was missing out on the most special person in my life-AVINA..."

"Anay, Remember when I used to hold your hand,show you our pictures/text messages/chat conversations/presents ,you always called me "OBSESSED"..Yes I was obsessed for "US".I was always scared of losing you.. .I still am.I still re-read our first live messenger conversation which lasted exactly 4 hours 29 minutes...I am not moving on from you because I want to.In fact,I hate myself for this.I am obsessed for "US" so I might even go home and regret.It is not a rarest of the rare occasion for me to cry for you or our relationship.May be today will be no different.some more tears will be certainly cried for US.. but I can't take it anymore.I won't be happy with you.I tried to make things work but they just don't seem to..."

"Avi, Look Aditya is very much aware of our distance.He knows how vulnerable you are and our relationship is almost on the verge of breaking.He might just be pretending to be nice and sweet.I'm a guy and I know every guy does that..."

"Anay,Aditya is not at all in the picture.why do you think this all is happening because of him?Let me make it clear to you - I am not breaking up with you to officially start off an affair with Adi,damn it!!!!He doesn't mean anything in front of our relationship.It is just that I need some time alone.To introspect,to retrospect,to know where WE went wrong and what brought our relationship to this...I believe I started off a relationship when I was "lonely" and not "in love"...Walking away is not justified in any case,not even with me.But there're certain reasons which I cannot overlook or ignore.I have had people walk away without explanations so I clarified with you the reason of my walking away.Unanswered questions hurt a lot more than this.I am not being selfish but few years down the line you'll realize I was never THE ONE for you....I don't wish to say anything else ...but please don't wait for me to come back.I won't come back to you....And this is not a movie where the guy and girl stay friends after their breakup.I won't lie that we'll be friends..You were and still are always MORE THAN A FRIEND...A LOT MORE THAN A FRIEND...You can never be just a friend for me..."

I stood still and watched the guy I loved or still love , walk away with a heavy heart.His eyes were perhaps moist...
I obviously let my tears loose only after I reached home...

Perhaps I AM guilty of bringing him to the darkest Valentines' day of his life and the worst reality of his life....
But it is more like I've betrayed my own promise to myself - the promise of never leaving Anay.Before betraying Anay,it was myself who had been betrayed by me....


2 opinions:

{ Chirag Joshi } at: Wednesday, February 15, 2012 said...

this happens most of the times with guys and if whol scene was reverse still guy has to be blame.
anyways nice story.

{ Where thoughts are Word$ } at: Wednesday, February 15, 2012 said...

May be..

This happens with girls as well...

Perhaps because sometimes the will to keep the relationship going cannot win over some other factors..

:) :)

 

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